Sunday, February 1, 2009

The Un-Super Stadium Game

Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm all for truth in advertising. That's why I'm boycotting the Super Bowl. I see no super powers. So no super. Bowl, perhaps. No. No bowls. There's a stadium, which I suppose is bowl shaped, but come on, that's no bowl. It's a stadium. Is it the trophy that is the bowl> No, hardly. That's a big glass football. No Super. No Bowl. Hmmm. 

Another name for this particular game is of course, "The Big Game." I'll let you have game, sure, but it's no bigger than any other game. The quarters are not longer. The players are no taller. Those are just normal sized football players throwing a normal sized football on a normal sized field for the normal amount of time. So what's big about it> We could call it the Last Game, because it is. Well, kinda. It's not the last game of the year, obviously, because the sport will pick up again in the fall. Which rules out Ultimate as well, because Ultimate just means "last." The Final Game of the Season is too wordy. No one feels like calling it the Championship Game, and really, they can hardly call it the National Championship because they didn't take on every team in the nation. College teams don't get to compete against these guys. Peewee league teams don't compete against these guys. Sure hypothetically we can assume that an NFL team will beat a peewee team, but then, all of the "experts" also never would have guessed the Cardinals would win, so lets not sell those ten year olds short, shall we> They're ten. They're short enough already. Further, we can't call it the Professional National Championship, because there are minor league teams. They get paid, just not as much.

What can we do with this> What can we call it> The Final Game Until It Starts Again In Eight Months Played by Men Paid More Than (however much the minimum is) Which Determines Not Necessarily Who Is Best, But Rather Who Won the Right Games At the Right Time> That's even wordier than The Final Game of the Season. 

So I boycott it. They say that the mind can't comprehend something it can't label, something it can't name. If I can't name one measly game, there's no way I can even begin to understand why crossing the goal line is six points, unless you do it after you've just crossed the goal line, in which case, it's only worth one third of the points, or why kicking a field goal is worth three points unless you do it after crossing said goal line, but only if you did so for the six points (and not the two), in which case it's worth only one, which is once again one third. And we're surprised when football players fail math in high school... I can't hope to understand why we get the biggest, strongest, most aggressive men we can find, and then tell them not to be too aggressive. We tell them to be tough, and then we put more padding on them than just about any other sport. I'll never understand football until I can come up with a name for the "Super Bowl."

You have been informed.

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