Sunday, February 15, 2009

Kenny Chesney is a Tool

Ladies and Gentlemen, there have been rumors flying around about Kenny Chesney since Renee Zellweger annulled him, citing fraud. Kenny Chesney, however, cleared up rumors in a recent interview in which he revealed he isn't gay, he's just a tool. You know the guy who shows up at your party and drinks all of your beer before regaling everyone present about the many women he slept with, thus scaring away every woman at the party including your girlfriend (who, incidentally, now thinks you're friends with a date rapist)> Kenny Chesney is, evidently, That Guy. He spoke at some length about how many women he slept with ("Man, I was over 100 several years ago," a milestone he claims happened "probably back in 2001"). The "long line" of women the singer allegedly had relations with could testify to the fact that he's not gay, or at least they would if any of them came forward to testify. 

Still, Chesney swears that "from 1993 to 1998" there were years when he had a better summer than A-Rod, that he was constantly "on the boards." From all of this bragging and boasting, it's clear to tell that he is, in fact, That Guy. Even so, how does the "fraud" claim fit in> Let's examine this a bit more carefully.

He claims, quite vocally, that he's been with over 100 girls. The only people I know who go on and on and on about how many women they've been with are those who have been with numbers much closer to zero. Chesney a virgin> It appears to be true. After all, he admitted himself that he was "on the boards quite often." He wanted us to think he meant the bed, but clearly he was referring to internet forums and BBS networks, posting and chatting and probably asking about which episode of Star Trek Evil Wesley Crusher was in. Chesney isn't in the closet, at least not about being gay. He's a closet nerd. It all makes perfect sense. The "fraud" charge doesn't relate to his sexual preference. Renee Zellweger, after hearing his stories about what a dynamo he was in bed, was expecting Don Juan. Instead, she got Data from Star Trek. The fraud in question is clearly his failure to live up to his grand stories about his prowess. 

You have been informed.

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