Slacker Brain Disorder

Ladies and Gentlemen, a CEO recently wrote a book about being fired from the company he founded and being "saved" by Starbucks. Some might argue that "saved" is a strong word. Sure he was unemployed and life didn't look so great, but was his life really in danger> The answer is a surprising yes. According to his book, after he was fired, he also was divorced and was diagnosed with a brain tumor. Life turned around, it seems, when he was hired on to make coffee and "make a toilet shine like a Ferrari." 

I don't know how to add a graph to this blog, but if I did, I would make a bar graph for you. On this chart, I would show numbers on the Y axis and then a timeline on the X axis with major points on prior to being laid off and post being laid off. Prior to, the graph would show one wife and zero brain tumors. Post, the graph would show zero wives and one brain tumor. We can clearly draw two correlations. First, as occupation decreases, the number of wives decreases (a negative correlation with both decreasing 100%). Second, as the number of wives decreases, the number of brain tumors increases (an inverse correlation, I think, and an infinite percentage growth on the brain tumors front). 

Pictorial representations complete and conclusions drawn, we now move on to a syllogism. Unemployment results in a decrease in wives. All decreases in wives result in increases in brain tumors. Therefore, unemployment causes brain tumors (as is evidenced by the poor mental capacity of slackers). Therefore, it stands to reason that if a polygamist lost two jobs, he would also lose two wives and gain an infinite number of brain tumors. Fortunately for our CEO, he was no polygamist. I would also like to point out that the article makes no mention of brain tumors or divorce after he became employed with Starbucks. Therefore, we must conclude that the inverse of each of these graphs (and syllogisms) is also true. Employment leads to wives and brain health. I can attest to this fact personally by saying that I've been consistently employed for the last many years and have had zero brain tumors. Furthermore, I am engaged. Therefore, employment leads to brain health and wives.

Ladies, I have no evidence for or against the notion that employment leads to husbands. However, I also have no proof that unemployment for women leads to brain tumors, since in most states, women cannot marry other women, and thus cannot lose wives, which causes brain tumors. Historically, this may explain why women were traditionally the homemakers and men were the breadwinners. When the woman stayed at home, her homemaking resulted in no wife loss or brain tumor gain. When then man stayed at home and the woman went to work, the man risked losing his wife and having his brain grow tumors. If this is the case, this living arrangement wasn't a matter of oppression. It was a matter of health.

You have been informed.