10 Unknown Facts about Dave Arneson

Ladies and Gentlemen, wow what a hiatus that I didn't mean to take. The day of my last post two weeks ago, I found out Dave Arneson, co-creator of Dungeons and Dragons died, and I wanted to do a tribute that wasn't just a ten unknown facts list. I couldn't think of anything, but I wanted that to be my next post. Time passed. I still couldn't think of anything. Then I got caught up in job interviews and wedding plans and work and writing (I've started a novel) and so many other things. So today, two weeks later, I say enough is enough. It's time I get this truth train back on track with something I didn't want to do but if I had, I'd have never derailed in the Andes in the first place...

So, to start my big game of catch-up...

10 Unknown Facts about Dave Arneson:

1. Dave Arneson was once a member of Flight of the Conchords, but his fear of heights made the band's name hypothetically terrifying and he was forced to quit for anxiety reasons.
2. Dave Arneson taught John Constantine everything he knows about doing magic and making tea.
3. Dave Arneson could make eggless quiche.
4. Dave Arneson was the first Settler of Catan.
   
5. It is grammatically correct for DaVe aRNEsON to capitalize any letters in his name that he pleases.
6. Dave Arneson once genetically crossed a bee and dog so when they played fetch, if the stick accidentally landed on the roof, the dog could get it. Plus, Dog Honey is super tastey. Plus, it was just super adorable.
7. During the Cold War, Dave Arneson was on the side of Luke Warm.
8. Dave Arneson was genetically incapable of being a jerk to anyone due to a mutation in his amygdala.
   
9. Dave ARneson had an impressive chin bust collection, including busts of the chins of Jay Leno, Bruce Cambell, and Carl Sandberg--who didn't have an impressive chin himself but did write a poem about people with proud chins.
10. Dave Arneson knew the secret ending to Lost, but took the secret to his grave (believe me, I tried to get it out of him).

It's not much. I wanted to do something more, but I couldn't think of anything, so here's a list for you, Dave. Thanks for helping to provide me with some of my favorite times growing up.

You have been informed.

Captured Populations

Ladies and Gentlemen, you may remember Hurricane Katrina from several years ago. New Orleans was all over the news after that, and so much money and so many volunteers poured into the city to help rebuild. Believe it or not, New Orleans was not the only place affected. Every coastal county in Mississippi took heavy damage with extensive flooding and a 27 foot storm surge that moved upwards of twelve miles inland. Even now, almost four years later, driving along the beach, the devastation is blatantly obvious. Rebuilding is slow, and takes a lot of money. We only recently had the last of our destroyed bridges replaced. Still, many places have a lot of work left to do. One city, Bay St. Louis, has found a creative way to help rebuild.

The first thing one needs to understand in the rebuilding process is that it takes a lot of money, often tax money to rebuild and jumpstart a destroyed community. Unfortunately, a number of people who fled from Katrina didn't return. Their homes were gone. Their jobs were gone. There was little to pull them back to the coast. There was little to return to, for that matter. The price of homes skyrocketed because there were so few that came through unharmed, and those who had them didn't want to part with them. Of course, no returning constituents means a loss of tax dollars. Bay St. Louis found a unique solution to the problem.

Detours.

I went to drop off a job application at a school there and found myself taking the scenic route through the entire town as one detour led me into another. There were no fewer than five major road construction projects and that's just what I saw. How does all of this boost populations? As I drove in, I was thwarted by half a dozen detours just getting to the school. I was frustrated, but not deterred. It was only when I attempted to leave that I saw the true evil genius behind their plan. My detour led me to another, which led me to another, which led be back to the beginning. You see, there is a single lane leading into the general vicinity of the school, but all roads leading out are detoured. I was stuck in a vicious, inescapable circle that ran me past dozens of quaint little homes for sale.

It's the perfect plan, really. Ensure that those who enter the city can never leave. Then, when their cars run out of gas, direct them to the lovely three bedroom two bath with a nice lawn their car died in front of. Maybe they'd like to tour it. Take out a loan. Settle down. Have some kids. Pay some taxes. Only then will they tell the new resident of the secret route out of town. By that point, however, it's too late. The poor victim is settled. They don't want to navigate a moving van down through those construction zones and they certainly don't want to sell a house in this market.

I wouldn't be fooled by them, oh no. We cheated. We used parking lots, alleys, and quick trips down one way streets to make our escape. I know what happens in picturesque towns you can't escape from. Housewives butcher people and serve them for dinner. Librarians sprout Cthulhu tentacles and keep their husbands locked in the basement in bondage gear. If not that, it's haunted by ghosts seeking revenge for some age old offence, and that sounds equally unpleasant. No thank you. I made my exit post haste, and informed my fiancee that if I did get that job, she'd have to move there, because they'd never let me escape the same way twice. I'd never find my way out again.

So consider yourself warned. Beware of small, quaint little towns that try to make you detour. It's a trap. It's always a trap. Turn around. Drive backwards down one way streets. Get out of your car and run if you must. But whatever you do, do not do not do not be tempted to buy a house when your car runs out of gas.

You have been informed.

10 Unknown Facts about Professional Writers

Ladies and Gentlemen, I just finished writing a short story whose concept I really love, but the prose doesn't really do it any justice. Such is the story of my life. Ever since I was a little kid, I've wanted to be a writer. I'm sure that isn't hard to believe considering how many Ten Facts Tuesdays I've done about writers (Wil Wheaton, Philip K. Dick, and Jim Butcher just to name a few). I almost did today's on Isaac Asimov, in part because of my secret desire that I can one day get something published in Analog. Don't get me wrong, his work is great, but I just finished writing something and I would like to see it published if I can ever get a solid draft out of it, so my mind is more on the magazine than the man right now. Regardless, I decided rather than share ten facts about another author this week, I would share ten facts about authors in general so that maybe you guys can get a glimmer of an idea why I want to be a writer, a professional writer, so very very much.

Ten Unknown Facts about Professional Writers

1. Professional writers are allowed to eat their dessert first if they like.
2. Professional writers can rewrite anything, even personal histories.
3. Professional writers are sixteen times more likely to earn an Eagle Talon High Five than non writers. 
4. Professional writers are all members of a super secret club like freemasonry only fun where they can go and hang out and watch TV and play games with other writers whenever they want. (When they're not under deadlines from their editors, that is)
5. Professional writers all have magic plates that hold 36% more food at buffets, meaning they have to make fewer trips down the crowded food lines.
6. Professional writers get DVRs that program themselves. Yup. It automatically knows they want to watch Lost.
7. Professional writers have access to a super secret formula of Diet Doctor Pepper that tastes even more like regular Doctor Pepper.
8. Professional writers' cars on average get an extra three miles to the gallon. 
9. Professional writers get into all the cons they want for free.
10. Professional writers can buy their eggs for seven cents apiece in Malta and sell them for five cents apiece and still make a profit.

Just so you know. Sure there are other benefits, like getting paid to share your ideas and your creations with the world, in knowing what you do makes other people happy. And yes, there are drawbacks. Deadlines. Pressure. Rewrites. The unpredictable nature of the work, the unreliability of the paychecks. Even so, it's always something I've wanted to do. Those ten perks> That's just icing on the cake.

You have been informed.

Memories of Murder

Ladies and Gentlemen, I don't know about you, but I really enjoy the TV show Law and Order, especially the original before there were a dozen law and order shows. However, something always struck me as odd when I watched the show. How were these gas station attendants and department store clerks always able to remember this one specific person a month or so later? They see hundreds if not thousands of people a day. By the time the police get to them, they've seen 10,000 customers or more, and yet they always have some vivid, but trivial memory of that person.

"Oh yeah, I remember her. She came in here and bought two tv dinners three weeks ago. One meatloaf and one macaroni. She paid with a five. I gave her two dollars and seventy-six cents back. Yeah, I remember her."

I can't dismiss this as bad fiction writing because everyone knows the show is based on real cases and real events. This leads me to one of two conclusions:

1. Working minimum wage cashier jobs helps develop memory recall in people.
2. When someone is about to die, those around them, particularly cashiers because they don't have to use as much of their brains at work so they develop psychic powers (as was proven in the book/movie Matilda), can sense it and though they can't identify what it is about this person, they know they should remember them.

Now, both I and my fiancee have worked our share of minimum wage jobs and we are both really absent minded. This, I feel, rules out the first conclusion regarding improved memory recall. Therefore, the latter conclusion must be true. Thus, to help the police and help save lives, if you work a minimum wage job and remember a customer the next day, chances are they've been murdered or will be murdered and you should phone the police with what you know immediately.

You have been informed.

Cruel and Unusual Punishments

Ladies and Gentlemen, it's no secret that the U.S. is holding a number of detainees in the war on terror. Note, these are detainees, mind you, not prisoners. Prisoners are tried and convicted individuals who, according to various treaties and conventions, must be treated in certain ways. As detainees, however, we are not subject to rules against cruel and unusual punishments. I believe that the U.S. is doing a fantastic job in this instance of providing a punishment that suits the unspecified crimes. And what is this punishment, you may ask. What are we using to extract our national revenge> Irony.

These detainees, who fought so hard to destroy our American way of excess and privilege, are forced to endure the same cruel privilege and excess that they railed against. That's right. These terrorists and enemy combatants who feel at home in the rigors of third-world poverty are forced to endure not two, but three, three culturally appropriate square meals a day! Oh they shame they would suffer if those at home were to learn of this. And two of these meals are hot!  From what I understand they actually must suffer the indecision Americans feel every day when bombarded by an excess of choice. The poor men at each meal must choose between four meal options! Even after a lifetime of practice at navigating the culinary world of privilege have difficultly. It's cruel and wrong to force these individuals to make such unaccustomed decisions before they can eat! We don't force other prisoners to do 1,000 push-ups or beat a super computer in a game of chess before being served, so how do we morally justify making these men, men who've had no practice at choosing what to eat, decide before we give them food> Even more cruel is that these meals are in excess of 4,000 calories! We're forcing obesity, America's epidemic of excessive comfort and wealth, upon them.

They're required to endure the horrors of hot running water. Further, these detainees can't even take pride in finding their own means to keep their government supplied holy Koran off of the floor. We give them a sling to keep it from touching the ground and then paint arrows on the floor pointing the way to Mecca. I understand this is essentially a prison without all of the Geneva Convention restrictions, but really. Must we leave these detainees with no problems to surmount so that they can hold their heads high and call themselves men> They do not need to use the stars to determine directional orientation, so that they may use their wits to prove their devotion to Allah. Likewise, they do not need to improvise clever devices from their clothing to keep their sacred scripture sacredly off of the floor. 

They need not ever exert themselves. They do not need to think too hard or work to hard. They are being turned physically and mentally into sheep, with the government giving them all of the answers they will need, telling them where they should go and what they should do, depriving them of the need to think, to reason, to earn their place in the world, to question and problem solve. They are given access to legal council and are allowed to speak on their own defense. They do not need to do an honest day's work to provide their luxury, and thus can take no true pride in what they have. They are forced to eat themselves to death with fatty foods and oversized portions the way so many of us do every day. Their punishment is the most sick and twisted I have ever seen. These men who have fought so hard to bring down the American lifestyle are forced to endure the most ironic punishment man could devise. They are forced to live like Americans. 

Geneva needs to put a stop to this sick and twisted mind game. 

You have been informed.

The Truth Is...

Ladies and Gentlemen, I couldn't resist. I had a little April Fools fun with you yesterday. I'm sorry to betray your trust, but I figured you'd probably get the joke anyway. Clearly what I said about Oprah was a joke. She doesn't eat cereal and coffee for breakfast. She dines on the crushed souls of emasculated men.

But she really is building a rocket. Oh yes. She really is building a rocket.

You have been informed.

Tiny Brains, My Foot!

Ladies and Gentlemen, this is going to be a quick one because, honestly, you'll enjoy looking at the evidence more than hearing me going on and on about it. So here's your truth:

Dinosaurs didn't die out. On top of that, their brains evolved. They are no longer the creatures of pure hunger, rage, and instinct. Rather, they are fond of standing around and having deep discussions of philosophical, literary, and scientific natures. You can see the proof here.

Also, I hear rumor that Oprah Winfrey, my living nemesis, was looking over schematics for rockets--rockets that we all know have to do with her plans for intergalactic domination--while having her morning breakfast of cereal and coffee.

You have been informed.

10 Unknown Facts About Al Gore

Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry I've been away so very very long. I've been caught in a dizzying flurry of activity, what with work, mountains of job applications, errands to EVERYWHERE, and planning for my June wedding. It's been a nightmare just trying to find sleep, let alone Truth. Still, I couldn't miss Ten Facts Tuesday.

This week, we'll be learning a bit more about one of America's favorite (to mock) former vice presidents, Al Gore (it's his birthday today). We've heard all about his accomplishments. His Nobel Peace Prize, his invention of the internet, his sleep-inducing lecture documentary about global warming that reminded us all of being college freshmen without the beer, awkward dating, and 2:00 a.m. Nerf wars. I'm tired. I was at work last night until the time I normally clock in for work in the morning. I'm skipping the rest of the intro and going straight to the facts. Sorry, Al.

10 Unknown Facts about Al Gore:

1. Al Gore sounds like a robot because he is a robot. I know, this one is the fact most likely to be already known.
2. Al Gore wanted to be a pirate growing up until he realized how completely ineffective and inept modern pirates are.
3. Al Gore can only draw polygons with a prime number of sides.
4. Al Gore's favorite hobby is swimming with the dolphins. Yes, he can swim. His metal frame is made of an exceptionally light--but durable--titanium alloy. And yes, he's water-proof.
   
5. Every day for breakfast, Al Gore eats 3.14 pies. Yes, Al Gore can eat.
6. Al Gore can pull quarters from behind anyone's ear. He laments that if he could only pull larger denominations of currency, he could pay off these mounting national debts and save the economy.
7. Al Gore has friends exactly like the friends on Friends.
8. Al Gore knows exactly how many Earths were involved in the so called "Crisis on Infinite Earths."
9. Al Gore once hunted the Loch Ness Monster all the way across the Serenghetti, which is why sonar tests were not always able to detect the beast in the lake.
10. Al Gore loved Will Eisner's The Building so much he built a large apartment building in the hopes that over the course of its history four people who felt unimportant in life would die there so that their ghosts could watch over it and ultimately find validation to their existences. This is clearly not the best idea he's ever had.

Yup. I'm totally going to sleep now.

You have been informed.

10 Unknown Facts about Harry Houdini

Ladies and Gentlemen, today (March 24) is the birthday of the world's most famous magician, Harry Houdini, real name Ehrich Weiss. In his early career, he did feats of escape and transposition with at the time equally famous brother, known as Hardeen (both based their stage names off of French magician Robert-Houdin). Though known for being a stage magician, Houdini's act primarily focused on escapology. His later career focused on debunking fraudulent spiritualists and mediums who claimed to be able to speak with the dead. He also wrote books on magic theory and the tricks of the medium trade. There is, in fact, quite a lot to learn about this amazing individual. Here are ten facts you didn't know. 

10 Unknown Facts about Harry Houdini:

1. Harry Houdini could escape from anything, including awkward blind dates.
2. Harry Houdini was Hungarian, and was thus, always hungry. Always.
3. Harry Houdini could take a blow to the stomach from anything, including fists and cannon fire. 
4. Harry Houdini could breathe fire. This was not magic. It was science.
5. Harry Houdini knew the secrets of the ninja masters but did not use them in his act because he felt they'd make things too easy.
6. Harry Houdini was the inspiration for Superman due to his ability to outrun speeding bullets and leap tall buildings in a single bound. He couldn't fly, though. That's just ridiculous.
7. Harry Houdini could make Belgian waffles out of anything, provided he was in Belgium.
8. Harry Houdini fought the law, and the law lost.
9. Harry Houdini gained sustenance from applause the way most people gain it from food. Hence, his career in entertainment.
10. Harry Houdini had a ten octave voice but did not go into a career in music because he couldn't sing on key.

Thrilling stuff, I know. He brought magic to the world and then debunked it, but you had to love him anyway. And now you know.

You have been informed.

Rare hands are not much better than normal hands

Ladies and Gentlemen, surgery is getting ridiculous. In this tight economy, people are being picky even with their organ transplants. While perusing the news, I saw an article about a man receiving a rare hand transplant. Really> A rare hand transplant> The subheading states that this is the sixth such hand transplant in the nation. Come on, people. Money's tight. Don't flaunt your wealth with your rare hand transplants. Get common hand transplants. Ordinary hands, I'm sure, will work just as well as rare ones. The doctors even say that with all hand transplants, it takes some time before they get full use and early on, small amounts of movement are ordinary. That's right, buddy. You just spent all of that extra money on your rare hand and it isn't even acclimating to your body any faster than a common hand. And the worst of it is that this is the sixth such surgery in this country. Five other people have had that hand grafted to their bodies. A smart consumer would have checked with previous hand owners to see if the rare hand was really worth the extra money. In this economy, we simply cannot be too careful with our purchases. It's up to us to be wise consumers and cut the unnecessary extravagances from our purchases. Our budgets won't fix themselves after all.

You have been informed.

The sleeps... he needs them.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I need sleep. A lot. I mean. A Lot. I have not slept well recently. And last night I was up very late helping some friends of mine get to the bottom of a post-apocalyptic murder mystery. Then I had to go in to work an unscheduled six a.m. shift this morning that, to me, seemed unnecessary. We did nothing but work on a room that doesn't start for five days. That's right. Tables are down. Chairs are down. Linen is down. And it doesn't start for close to a week from now. Evidently, it is more important to get all work done well in advance so yo can get as much sleep as you can later. This validates the theory that some guy put forth a long time ago that states that you work x number of years in your life, so you should just work those years straight through so you can get all twenty-five years of sleep in one terrific dream-filled go. I guess my boss subscribes to that theory, and my place of employment is a meritocracy, so they say. Therefore, that theory must be true. I suppose I'd better get to that 24-7 work so I can take that twenty year nap on my sixtieth birthday. You might want to think about doing the same. It's probably what your boss expects of you anyway.

You have been informed.

10 Unknown Facts about William Jennings Bryan

Ladies and Gentlemen, this week's 10 Unknown Facts is about my all-time favorite historical figure. Everyone loves an underdog. Everyone loves a man who gives his all and loses anyway. Today, on his birthday, we celebrate history's greatest loser, William Jennings Bryan. He was a U.S. Representative who ran for Senate and lost. Shortly thereafter, he ran for president on a platform of "Cross of Gold" and Free Silver (coinage of, not the idea of just giving silver away) and lost. He even championed creationism in the famous Scopes "Monkey" Trial (as semi-depicted in the film Inherit the Wind) and lost. In all honesty, he was a running joke in my U.S. history class. My teacher would say, "And guess who he was up against?" and we'd all reply semi-knowingly, "William Jennings Bryan!" and immediately knew who the victor would be in the debate, the trial, or the election. Here are several other things he's lost that you may not have known about.

10 Unknown Facts about William Jennings Bryan:

1. William Jennings Bryan was abducted by aliens and lost time.
2. William Jennings Bryan rode a wild bull through the streets of Brazil and managed to stay on, but he lost his lunch.
3. For a while, William Jennings Bryan thought his wife was having an affair and he lost sleep, but as it turns out, she was just planning a surprise party.
4. William Jennings Bryan was being chased by the cops after an Ocean's 11 style caper, and he lost the police in a dark alley.
5. William Jennings Bryan went on a proto=Adkins diet and lost 25 pounds.
6. William Jennings Bryan--or his ghost at least--is a huge fan of Lost.
7. As a child, William Jennings Bryan was lost in space. His exploits have been reproduced as a show of the same name. His character was renamed William Robinson.
8. William Jennings Bryan once told President Taft a joke about a bath tub, but the joke was lost on him.
9. William Jennings Bryan once was supposed to be downtown for a very important meeting but he got caught up in a battle of wits with extraterrestrials for the fate of the planet and lost track of time.
10. William Jennings Bryan spent a month trailing Big Foot through the Pacific Northwest. He followed the beast's trail for days and finally found him. He reached for his camera quickly, but lost sight of his prey in the trees and mist.
11. (Bonus Fact!) William Jennings Bryan lost his temper in 1906 and leveled a city. History has attributed the destruction to earthquakes.
    

He was a remarkable man with a penchant for losing things. He will be missed.

You have been informed.

Invisible Balls

Ladies and Gentlemen, I just saw this music video (posted below) and I must confess, I was astounded.


Not only is the song fun and catchy, but it features invisible basketballs! How amazing is that? Science has gotten to the point where we can safely and effectively augment invisibility technology onto an object whose purpose is to be thrown around and slammed repeatedly against the floor. That, my friends, is one sturdy cloaking device.

The question is why would we go to so much trouble to make invisible something that is both heavily abused and needs to be seen. Some would argue that it's simply experimentation in an effort to create a more sturdy invisibility field generator, presumably to survive the rigors of war. I doubt it thought. Clearly, the purpose behind the innovation was to make basketballs invisible, though it would make the sport ridiculously difficult. After all, could you imagine playing a sport with a ball you couldn't see?

I believe this difficulty is the very purpose sought. The invisible basketball was designed to hinder score inflation. Here in America, we're trying to put on a new face to the world. One that says, "Honestly, we really can do things your way. Honest!" The some of the most popular sports in the world are Soccer, Hockey (field and ice), Volleyball, Baseball, and Tennis. Let's look at the average scores, shall we?

• Soccer teams average average one to two points per game depending on ability. This is the world's favorite sport.
  
• Hockey teams average two to three points per game depending on ability.
  
• Baseball teams average only five points per game.
• Tennis players may seem to have high scores (forty for the winner), but really, that's just four successful hits.
• Volleyball is played in three rounds. Rounds end at no more than 25 points. That's a lot of points in comparison to these other international sports.
• Basketball teams average about 65 points per game.

Making the ball invisible would complicate the game. Imagine shooting an invisible ball. Try making a pass to another player when you can't see the ball. And don't even get me started on rebounds. Invisible basketballs reduce scores to numbers more in line with the rest of the sporting world.

You have been informed.

Vampire Remains Found

Ladies and Gentlemen, I believe today's nugget of truth needs no explanation. Reading the article tells you everything you need to know, but just in case you're busy, I'll give you a quick recap. An archaeological dig in Venice, Italy unearthed the skeletal remains of a female vampire. This tells us six important things.

1. You can bury something in Venice, even though it's famous for having watery roads.
   
2. Vampires can come from places other than Transylvania.
   
3. Even vampires like nice warm Mediterranean climates.
4. Vampires can exist in Italy. Therefore, garlic can't possibly hurt them as much as previously thought.
5. If you are ever attacked by a vampire, your best defense may not necessarily be a wooden stake to the heart, but rather a brick to the mouth.
6. Even the Italian government is bent on covering up the truth with their "scientific explanations."
   

You have been informed.

Why I Don't Trust Renee Zellweger

Ladies and Gentlemen, for the longest time, I've found myself put off by Renee Zellweger. I couldn't place my finger on what exactly. Perhaps it's her overall lack of talent or perhaps the "Bugger off, I'm Renee Zellweger" better-than-you air that surrounds her. Either way, for years I've found myself avoiding any movie she's involved with (the exception, of course, being Empire Records because Mark and Lucas are just that cool). Today I figured out why my instincts told me not to listen to her.

She's not human.

Let's look at her face, shall we. 

You see that face. It's the same face you always see on her. That "I just ate a lemon and I am confused by everything" face. 

The only logical reason for her to have this face on at ALL times is if she has, in fact, always just eaten a lemon and is, in fact, confused by everything. You see, lemon juice is an acid. A person cannot consume so much acid without causing a serious imbalance in the digestive system. That is, of course, unless her body chemistry is much more acidic than a human body. You see, blood is basic. Not that it's a simple thing, but it is a base, and bases neutralize acids. As such, Miss Zellweger must consume additional acids to counteract the bases pumping through her system. Still, a human does not find his body's blood neutralizing all of his acids. 

Why would blood, which should be in her body, act against the body carrying it> Because her body is synthetic. She's an android with real, though grown and grafted, flesh covering her mechanical insides, much like the Terminator. Thus the blood, though necessary to feed the grafted skin tissue, then, is not natural to her body. As such, it attacks and neutralizes the acids in her body. Battery acids. She must consume large quantities of lemon, then, to counteract the anti-acidic properties of the blood's basic nature. The constant influx of lemon juice prevents the accelerated wear on her batteries.

This also explains her constant state of confusion. The reason androids disguise themselves as human, the only reason I've ever seen, is to learn about us, to gain information, or as it's called in military applications, intelligence. She's working for those robots trying to figure us out. Trying to bring us down. We need Edward Furlong and Christian Bale to immediately drop her post haste. And they should probably take out Schwarzenegger too. Sure he's governor of California and all, but on at least three different occasions he's portrayed a robot bent on world domination. Ergo, he can't be trusted either.

You have been informed.

10 Unknown Facts about Jim Butcher

Ladies and Gentlemen, today on Ten Facts Tuesday we dig deeper into the world of author Jim Butcher. Those of you unfamiliar with his work will of course know of him from the Harry Dresden novels, comics, and tv show. He is also the writer of the Codex Alera books and one Spider-Man novel. He's even married to a romance novelist. But here are a few things I hope you didn't know, because, well, if you did, I'd have to change the name of my column to Ten Barely Known Facts, and that doesn't have the same ring to it.

10 Unknown Facts about Jim Butcher:

1. Jim Butcher was once offered an Eagle Talon High Five, but declined because his hero J.R.R. Tolkien died before the practice was instituted and, to quote the eagles, "You can't high five a man who cannot raise his own arm. It's just a low five." He didn't want the honor if Tolkien didn't have one first. Eagles are currently debating changing their anti-posthumous ETHF stance.
2. Jim Butcher is a pretender.
3. Jim Butcher can butcher a bottle of Jim Beam like you wouldn't believe. He doesn't, but he can.
4. Jim Butcher is not a wizard per say, but he did figure out how to do magic. See List Item 2.
5. In the summer between high school and college, he worked as a London Chimney sweep just to see if they do dance, sing, and have animated escapades with mystical nannies. And to answer your question, yes. They do.
6. Jim Butcher goes antiquing on Saturdays, sometimes at the Smithsonian museum.
7. Jim Butcher once convinced NASA he was an astronaut to sneak about the international space station. See List Item 2.
8. Jim Butcher can read with his eyes shut. He learned this from the Cat in the Hat.
9. Jim Butcher doesn't understand the expression "he acts like his (feces) don't stink" because his, in fact, don't.
10. Jim Butcher was the inspiration for a Foo Fighters song.

He's an interesting guy, that Jim Butcher. I'm glad I could expand your knowledge of him just a little bit more. Until next time, 

You have been informed.

Kidnappers for Jesus

Ladies and Gentlemen, it seems I'm constantly missing two and three days at a time. This time I've been working ten to twelve hour days and slipping into a NyQuil coma as soon as I get in thanks to this cold or flu or whatever it is that's been getting me down lately. I've been meaning to share something for the past few days and could never stay awake long enough to write it down.

Christian church groups, particularly "non-denominational" groups are abducting children in broad daylight. I know this may come as a shock. It shocked me, but the more I looked at the evidence, the more obvious it became. As children, I believe we were all raised by our parents to follow two simple rules to ensure our safety.

1. NEVER get into a stranger's car.
2. NEVER take candy from a stranger.

I cannot speak for your childhood, but I know when I was growing up here in the Bible Belt, there were things called Church Buses. They were typically old school buses that had been painted blue and white (they were always white with blue trim, and I don't know why). They would randomly drive through the neighborhoods taking people to church, stopping every random person they saw asking if they wanted to climb aboard and go to church. I did not know these people. I did not attend their church. Still, every week, especially during summer, they would drive down my street, see me playing in my front yard, and try to get me to go to church with them.

How would they try to convince me to climb onto this stranger's big scary bus? Candy. "Hey kid, you wanna climb on my bus and go to church with us? We've got candy!" Clearly, religious groups were trying to kidnap me when I was a child. If only I knew why. It couldn't possibly have been for ransom money. My parents were poor beyond poor. I am almost certain as a child we lived below the poverty line. Why would they do it? Why would they want to kidnap me?

My suspicion, of course, is that they were preparing for the end times, you know, the ones described in the bible where the dead rise up and there are dragons and the like. I assume that these kidnappers for Christ were attempting to raise an army of holy avengers for the coming Armageddon. Naturally they would watch to raise their warriors from childhood. After all, if Star Wars has taught us nothing else, it is that unless you train your warriors from early childhood, they'll grow up to be whiny upstarts who kill everyone and give bland "pretty boy" acting performances.

But then, I never got on that bus, so this is all conjecture.

Did anyone else have this experience during childhood? Can anyone confirm these holy warrior theories?

You have been informed.

Mr. Truth, Sith Lord?

Ladies and Gentlemen, I suspect my place of employment is run by Sith Lords. I used to be a nice, friendly, genial guy before working there. I suppose I still am. Ever since I started working there, I found myself losing my patience much faster than usual, becoming angrier and more full of hate and spite. Fortunately this growing hatred of people hasn't spread home yet. It seems I'm only under their thrall within the confines of its walls. For now. Regardless, the fact is Sith Lords thrive on anger and passion and intense feelings (usually more anger). What does my work produce? Anger and passion and intense feelings (again, usually more anger). Further, a couple of years ago at an employee of the month luncheon, my boss recommended a Star Wars theme. Oh sure, everyone assumed it was because he was a big nerd, but the truth of the matter is he looked pretty convincing in that Sith Lord outfit he wore. He even had a Sith name for himself: Darth Hall.

There can be no mistake. I work for the Sith and I have no way to defeat them alone. I need an astromech droid to send a message to wherever astromech droids go when they have messages to deliver. "Help me, Obi Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope."

You have been informed.

I'm so confused

Ladies and Gentlemen, I've been doing some thinking. Lately, I've had the very best intentions of sitting down to research and uncover some long lost truths, but I find myself perpetually distracted by movies and games and tv and quality time with the fiancee. All of this is fun, but it keeps me from investigating the truth. I now find myself at a moral and logical dilemma that I must resolve.

Learning and seeking the truth is Good. Therefore, that which keeps me from seeking the truth is Evil. Games, movies, TV, and relationships keep me from seeking the truth. Therefore, games, movies, TV, and relationships are Evil. Games, movies, TV, and relationships are also Fun. Because these things are Fun and also Evil, we must conclude that Fun is Evil. Fun leads to Happiness, which makes Happiness also Evil. The United States Constitution guarantees all the right to the pursuit of happiness. Therefore, the United States Constitution guarantees all the right to pursue Evil. If, as they say, the most feared Evil is the Indifference of the Good, that is the Good that allows Evil to flourish, then the United States Constitution must be Evil. If the Constitution is Evil, than anything that bases its governmental philosophy upon it must likewise be Evil. Those who act to destroy Evil are Good. Terrorists seek to destroy the United States, which is Evil. Terrorists must therefore be Good.

Except that Terrorists deliberately spread fear, hate, and violence, all of which are Evil. Those who deliberately spread fear, hate, and violence must therefore also be Evil. Evil cannot abide Good, and seeks to destroy it. Therefore, that which Evil opposes must be Good. Terrorists oppose the United States Government, so the United States Government must be Good. The Good cannot draw their morality on Evil philosophies. Therefore that on which the United States Government bases its moral precepts, the United States Constitution, must be Good. That which is good cannot condone Evil. Therefore, the pursuit of Happiness must be Good. If pursuing Happiness is Good then Happiness itself must be Good. Fun is a means to pursue Happiness. Therefore, Fun is Good. Games, movies, TV, and relationships are Fun and so must therefore be Good. Games, movies, TV, and relationships prevent me from pursuing the Truth. Again, the Good must attempt to thwart that which is Evil. Therefore, because games, movies, TV, and relationships prevent me from pursuing the Truth, and games, movies, TV, and relationships are Good, then pursuing the Truth must be Evil. If Happiness is good because pursuing Happiness is Good, then we are finally forced to conclude that the Truth must be evil because pursuing it is evil, which ultimately means lying is Good. If lying is Good then I've been doing this blog all wrong. Rather than seeking out the truth, I should have been making stuff up, exaggerating, and jumping to absurd, sensational conclusions based on the tiniest shred of fact if anything at all.

I find myself at an impasse. Because logic cannot make up its mind on whether things are Good or Evil, I am forced to sit back for a moment and contemplate the moral imperative behind this blog.

You have been informed.

10 Unknown Facts about James Doohan

Ladies and Gentlemen, in honor of his birthday, this week's 10 Unknown Facts segment is about Canadian actor James Doohan. That name may not be familiar to some of you, but perhaps if I gave you the name Mongomery "Scotty" Scott, it would. James Doohan played the Chief of Engineering on the original Star Trek series, which inspired numerous individuals to pursue degrees in science. He developed the "first draft," so to speak, of the Klingon language for the show. He also served in World War II (even losing a finger to machine gun fire), and once saved a fan's life. He was an amazing guy. Here are a few amazing things about him you may not have known.

10 Unknown Facts about James Doohan:

1. When Scotty told Captain Kirk that he was giving him all the Enterprise had, James Doohan would sigh on the inside knowing that if he were there, he could give a little more.
   
2. James Doohan could recite Pi. All of it.
3. James Doohan once led a camel through the eye of a needle to give his rich friends hope.
4. During WWII, James Doohan would volunteer for two shifts on the nightwatch. He would take the first one and when he got tired, his mustache would take the second.
5. James Doohan could fly any plane including a Euclydian plane.
6. Despite his degree from the Milwaukee School of Engineering being honorary, James Doohan could still rewire a damaged warp coil if he needed too.
7. James Doohan not only helped invent the Klingon language, he also helped invent leetspeak (1337 5p34k) and English.
8. James Doohan coded a biometric lock to his missing finger, making it impossible for anyone to unlock it without putting the absence of his finger on the fingerprint scanner (it's a lot harder than it sounds).
9. James Doohan fought the law and the law did not win.
10. James Doohan built his own rocket so that he could be there on the moon waiting to photograph man's first step on an unearthly body.

He was truly an amazing man. Some say he was the kindest of all of Star Trek's cast members. In July of 2005, he passed away and boldly went were all of us are destined to go: to the undiscovered country (and I'm not referring to the set of Star Trek VI.)

You have been informed.