Saturday, September 20, 2008

6) Wil Wheaton in GURPS

Ladies and Gentlemen, that you may know more truth, the true story behind number six on the list of 10 unknown facts about Wil Wheaton.

6) Accurately depicted in GURPS, Wil Wheaton as a character would cost 413 points.

In 1986, an alien prophet by the name of Am'pot-clet'mano (roughly spelled phonetically) foretold that doom would be coming to his people and that only one from Earth would be able to save them, one whose worth would have be carefully measured. He began to create a carefully calculated description of this man who would save them, but died before completion. Any prediction by Am'pot-clet'mano was to be taken as a matter of grave seriousness and absolute truth. The alien scientists, mathematicians, and theologians poured over the partial description and created The System.

In the night, an emmisary of the alien people sought The Vessel, the one who would carry their rigid standard of calculating human woth to the people. In Texas, they found him. His name was Steve Jackson. In dreams they came to him, whispering their mathematical secrets, their precise guidelines and systems for determining a person's value in any time or place--the aliens dared not leave out a time or place from their descriptions, just in case humanity discovered time travel. The would not want to unintentionally rule out The One Who Would Save Them due to a narrowly concieved notion of potential based on placement in the space-time continuum.

In the morning, Steve awoke, his head throbbing with ideas. He'd been looking for a follow to Car Wars and OGRE, and now he believed he found it. For the next several weeks, he frantically began typing out what would later become known as GURPS, or Generic Universal Role Playing System. He had the tools to find The One Who Would Save Them, but as a game designer, he misinterpretted the message. Rather than catagorize the world, he used the system to create worlds. In ignorance, he turned their salvation into a game.

Fate would try to intercede on behalf of the aliens. Indeed, a copy even found its way into the hands of The One, Wil Wheaton. Had he put the stats together for himself, he would have discovered his value, 413 points in a world where 100 was heroic. The aliens would have been alerted of his presence and The One Who Would Save Them would be retrieved to stop their ever approaching doom. However, Wil never did make a character of himself.

Time passed, and upon seeing what had become of their system, they began doing cataloguing of their own. Unfortunately, too much time had passed. Their original record of the system was lost, and as such, they needed to a replacement. Down to Earth they went and obtained a copy of GURPS> The system had changed to 4th edition. The point values differed, though they had no way of knowing this. They tested Wil, but in the new system he was worth far more than the prophesied 413 character points, and he would sadly continue to question his worth as a person. As a result, the aliens took instead Steve Perry into the cosmos to save them, who was worth only 187 points under the old reckoning. The civilization is now in the slow process of rebuilding from their armageddon.

You have been informed.

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