Ladies and Gentlemen, I appreciate the interest you've all expressed in discovering more truths about Mr. Wheaton. However, there are those out there who interpreted my list as an effort to restart the Chuck Norris fad from some time ago. What is my name, fair readers? Mr. Truth. Not Mister Make Stuff Up Because It's Clever. As a man dedicated to the truth, I must say that the Chuck Norris trend saddened me, as most things said about him were, though clever, untrue. And now I see some of the same clever, though untrue things being credited to Mr. Wheaton. Over the next few days, I will be telling the true stories behind all items on the list.
1) The more Cthulu learns about Wil Wheaton, the more insane he becomes.
EXCERPT from an old journal I found during my studies at Miskatonic U, and translated into English.
"The voices continue. Daily I try silence them, but even in the lands beyond time, beyond measure, the calling of my name is endless. 'Cthulu. Cthulu.' Of late I have observed a dramatic increase, the voice ever-more persistant. Try as I may, I cannot halt their siren's call. Even my usual respite of tea and world has failed to bring my troubled mind solace. I fear I must send my minions forth to the fleshy dimensions to see who beckons to me."
"Five of my avatars have been dispatched to the human world to the nexus of my suffering, a gathering of those who would eternally utter my name at a secret conclave of madness called Kahmikahn. Through their eyes I see such sights as no Eldar God was meant to see. Such tortures. Such a feast of human flesh and human mind bare and on display. Their females in such attire as to display the finest cuts: the haunches, the ribs. The males laughably unable to possibly fight my minions with the weapons they weild. And yet, there must be some greater magic here, for they utter my name without fear. They witness my children and fear not, remarking instead, 'Niis kostoom.' Oh to speak their base language and now what power those words must have, to allow them to face my power and not quake to the marrow of their bones. I must seek their leader..."
"I hear a chant, a drumming of voices, rhythmically pounding in the minds of my avatars. 'Oemjee. Wileffin wee'ton.' What does this mean? Though my endless soul shivers in horrific anticipation and dread, I fear I shall never rest until I have discovered what strange and powerful creature commands those who would command me."
"Much time has past in mortal reckoning and I have neither seen nor heard so much as an unterance or glance from my children. What have the mortals done to them? The last I recall of them, they entered a crowded room, the chanting building to a violent crecendo, 'Oemjee! Wileffin wee'ton! Wileffin wee'ton!' and then no more. What have they done? Who is this Wileffin wee'ton? What is his power?"
"My children, I fear, are dead, sacrificed, no doubt, on the alter of Wileffin wee'ton. Of the five of my lost, I have seen only the remains of one, floating in the aether, an image of a sadistic clown's head grown disproportionately large,, a clown known to the humans as Sweh'Tor. The human beasts, most certainly at the command of the wee'ton, have grafted my poor avater's head and limbs to this ghastly grinning clown, it's face smiling as the arms and legs of my child dangle from all sides of the foul head. A worse fate has undoubtably befallen my other children. I have angered the wee'ton, and fear the nightmares shall never end. I shall look no more into the Wileffin wee'ton, lest the same fate befall me."
You have been informed.