Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Killer Seals

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have troubling news. It appears that North Korea may be restarting their nuclear development programs. It seems that the IAEA has bowed to the pressure of North Korea and removed surveillance cameras from the nuclear facilities. More importantly, however, they removed the seals. The article glances over the seal bit to focus on the resuming nuclear program, thus drawing our attention from the real danger.

Killer Seals.

No one ever calls off seals. They're trained killers, the lot of 'em. Have you ever been to Sea World or some other aquatic show? Do you see what they can do with those balls using only their noses? Now imagine the awesome power they would possess if they used their flippers. Now imagine that awesome power being used with grenades and throwing knives instead of harmless beach balls. It's a little known fact that seals are referred to as the ninja of the animal kingdom. We've all seen March of the Penguins; we all know they can kill one of those hardy little birds with the slightest effort. Those of us who watched a little documentary on efforts to save a certain corrupt real estate business know how dangerous seals can be. (It was called Arrested Development. Perhaps you've heard of it.)

In the documentary, a man named Buster loses a hand to a seal. The seal then escapes and spends the next several years taunting him using psychological warfare, warning the poor man like the crocodile in Peter Pan, that one day he will return to finish the job.

That is how seals work. They cannot be called off of a job once they start it. They will lurk for years, teasing, taunting, and tormenting before finally striking the fatal blow. They cannot be caught and they cannot be stopped. They're cruel, heartless sadists to the core.

This raises two very important and terrifying thoughts:
  1. How powerful must the IAEA be to call off these seals, which in turn makes us wonder how powerful North Korea must be to make the super powerful IAEA call off an uncalloffable force?
  2. How much more do we have to fear now that the world has irradiated seals on the loose, who have no doubt developed super powers in their time in North Korean reactors?
Perhaps that was the plan all along. The plot was never to stop North Korea from developing nuclear arms. It was to create a weapon of even more massive destruction: the atomic seal. North Korea was just a sham, all smoke and mirrors used by the IAEA to expose already powerful seals to radiation to create the ultimate weapon all with the approval of the U.N. After all, on the surface, they were protecting us, right? They put the seals on guard over the plant to prevent a doomsday device from being built. Oh how young and naive we were. I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen, but we now live in a world of super seals. Heaven help us all.

You have been informed

No comments: