Wednesday, September 17, 2008

I must apologize for Spiderman 3

Ladies and Gentlemen, in the spirit of truth, I fear I have a shameful secret that I must share. I'm responsible for the awful piece of cinematic wasteland that was Spider-Man 3. I failed to realize until this morning my role in its creation. You see, four or five years ago, I bought a super articulated Spider-Man action figure. Perhaps you've seen it. It's the beautiful eighteen incher with sixty-seven (sixty-seven!!!) sweet sweet points of glorious articulation. So what would you do if you had a figure as wonderful as this? If you're anything like Mr. Truth, you lay him on your roommate's bed while he's in class and having smoking a cigarette and flipping the bird. You have him beat up a free stuffed chic-fil-a cow you got at the commons.

It occurred to me that it would be easy to turn these antics into some stop motion animation with a little time and a freeware program called JPEG2AVI. Shortly thereafter, I was cranking out a video or two a week. Short ones in which Spidey smokes, flips the bird, beats up Cow, puts a cigarette out on Cow's eye and then throws him off the desk, laughing all the while. Sure Cow got his revenge by getting Boba Fett to disintigrate him with his blaster or the time he got Spidey drunk and made him have a one night stand with Nosferatu (Graf Orlock), but that wasn't enough. I needed a place for Spider-Man's hatred for Cow to begin. And so I created the following video:

What does this have to do with the horrible horribleness that was Spider-Man 3? About the time Spider-Man 2 was going into production, videos start appearing on the net of Your Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man generally being bad and dancing. So they introduce the idea of Venom at the end of the second movie. And sure, that involves Good Old Pete being bad. That has nothing to do with my video. But that Peter Parker spent a whole scene dancing and being a jerk seems to tell me that we would have had a much more sinister, much less dorky black suited Web Head had I not meddled where man was not meant to meddle.

That wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the fact that seemingly every movie last summer had some lame dance scene in it. Shrek 3, Fantastic Four 2. I know there were more that had dance scenes in them. I just can't remember (it's human nature to repress painful memories).

Make fun of a beloved cultural icon and you will suffer for it. That, ladies and gentlemen, is karma, and that, ladies and gentlemen, is the truth, and the truth shall set you free. You have been informed.

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