Saturday, September 27, 2008

Superman and Clark Kent are WHAT?

Ladies and Gentlemen, I've been researching the article I shared about Superman few days ago. I couldn't fathom it. Surely the hero I grew up with could not possibly be a sadistic devourer of human flesh. I used my police contacts to take a look at the investigation files to see if I might uncover the truth. After several days pouring over the details, I found a few similarities between the alleged attacks.
  1. The victim is always male.
  2. The victim is always approximately 6'6"
  3. The victim is always of above average build.
  4. The victim always wears glasses.
  5. The victim always has dark hair.
  6. The only evidence ever left behind is clothing, which is never tattered or bloodied.
At first, it seemed to me that perhaps Superman really was some kind of monster. Perhaps he was a serial killer and the above specifications are just the focus of his psychotic tendencies. Who, then, could he be eternally getting revenge on, eternally devouring one proxy at a time? I was stumped. There could be so many people. It's not that uncommon a description, I suppose. The answer came while reading the Daily Planet for clues. Reporter Clark Kent wrote an editorial defending the Man of Steel. Beside the article was a small photograph of the journalist. I think you can guess his appearance: male, dark hair, glasses, above average build, fairly tall. Was this the man Superman was indirectly seeking some revenge on?

It didn't fit. Sure the description did. Kent was a perfect candidate for the phone booth buffet, appearance wise, but what cause could the man of tomorrow have to hate this reporter who ceaselessly defends him? Is it some long buried grudge? Or perhaps, deep down, Superman is tired of being idolized, tired of his oh-too-perfect image. So many possibilities. The truth was one I never even considered.

I had to know more about this Clark Kent, so I began reading through his old articles. Checking on his whereabouts while Superman is around, trying to find some slight that he may have committed. Why this man? As it turns out, Kent is never too far from Superman. It's generally accepted around Metropolis that the two are friends. Could this be an old high school grudge? I needed to investigate more. Here's what I found.
  1. Clark Kent is often in the area when Superman appears.
  2. Clark Kent's clothes can often be found around the Daily Planet when Superman appears.
  3. Clark Kent has an unusually strong attachment to defending and writing praises about Superman.
  4. Clark Kent can allegedly get messages to and from Superman whenever he needs to.
  5. Clark Kent and Superman are, as previously stated, "friends."
  6. Clark Kent and Superman are never seen in the same place at the same time.
I don't believe that Superman is eating people. The similarities among the "victims" and the behavior patterns of Clark Kent suggest that he is always the person in the phone booth, and yet he is clearly not dead.

You want to know what I think? I think that Clark Kent and Superman are a couple. They're gay lovers. Let's fit these puzzle pieces together to better understand the relationship. Whenever Superman appears, it seems Clark Kent gets naked. His clothes can be found in closets and bathrooms all throughout the Daily Planet and probably all throughout Metropolis. Closets and bathrooms have long been the love nests for illicit affairs. True, a secret rendezvous every time Superman is needed seems a bit excessive, but when your life is in the state of perpetual danger that the Man of Steel lives in, every battle could be your last. It's a bittersweet act of love-making, a possible goodbye every time they meet in those phone booths. We know that Kent can contact Superman whenever he needs to. What lover wouldn't be able to contact his or her significant other when needed? Clark praises his hero so much in the papers because he can't stand attacks on the man he loves, especially when he knows the truth.

But why avoid each other? I think the answer to this is obvious. They don't want to reveal their secret romance. Were the two to be in public together, their loving glances would no doubt betray that the two are more than "just friends." Further, Kansas is still a homophobic state, legislation-wise. Even in the more open-minded city of Metropolis, coming out, especially figures as public as Superman and Clark Kent, could be disastrous for both career and social comfort. And so, they must continue to love in the dark.

To double check this theory, I ran it by Lois Lane, Clark Kent's co-worker and long time Superman supporter. She said it "makes sense. He [Superman] never seemed to accept my advances and Clark's attempts to woo me always came off as too wholesome and scripted." She also commented that Superman did strike her as at least something of a narcissist. "You don't wear form fitting spandex like that unless you want people to gaze at your form," she added. She concluded that that would probably be why he chose Clark. The two are the same size, the same build, same hair, same face. The only real difference is the glasses. "It's only natural someone so into himself would be attracted to someone nigh identical to him."

And so we put to rest another falsehood, the cannibalistic nature of Superman, and reveal a new truth, the love between reporter and hero. Next time you see the emblem on Superman's chest, remember that it used to be an upside down triangle, his silent plea with the world to accept his homosexuality. So next time you see a piece of anti-gay legislation, vote it down, if not for you, than for Superman.

You have been informed.


Anna said...

I think I recall hearing about a similar case involving Spiderman and a photographer by the name of Peter Parker. Now ask yourself this: is there anything particularly alluring about journalists?

I suspect that every superhero knows that the time will come when they'll need the media to be on their side. Cynical, perhaps, but necessary in the modern world. Both Superman and Spiderman could be using Clark and Peter for the sake of their public image.

Mr. Truth said...

Which would also explain why the Man of Steel is hesitant to get involved with Lois Lane. After all, if he dates her, spurned lover Clark is on the outs, and then he'll start churning out defaming articles to get even with his wayward beau.