And What Do You Burn Witches On>

Ladies and Gentlemen, I think we've all heard the infallible logic of Sir Bedivere in regards for identifying witches. My fiancee and I have both come down ill, and we don't know who gave it to us. Clearly, we've been bewitched. So what did we do today> We built a big roaring fire in the fireplace. Coincidentally, the fiancee is feeling a little better. My cough, however, is getting a little worse. Perhaps I didn't burn the right witch. I threw wood randomly on the fire, assuming of course that because all witches are made of wood, all wood must be made of witches. This syllogism proved false, and now the surviving witch is agitating my lungs in spite. Clearly the important thing I forgot to do is weigh each piece of wood against a duck. Witches are made of wood. Wood floats. Ducks float. So if a person and a duck weigh the same, the person is a witch because she weights the same as a duck, which, like wood, floats. So in theory, if witches are made of wood, I should have checked the wood to see if it weighed the same as a duck. If the wood weighed more or less than a duck, I would be forced to conclude that the wood was not wood at all and therefore could not have been the witch who has been tormenting me. 

Tomorrow, I catch a duck from the lake and weigh it against the firewood before throwing it onto the flames. Being thus more thorough than I was today, I hope to get rid of this bronchitis curse once and for all. Should you find yourself ill too, remember, the secret is to find a piece of wood that weighs as much as a duck and burn it. Burn it if you ever want to feel healthy again.

You have been informed.