Monday, January 5, 2009

Why Your Mom Might Be A Satanist

Ladies and Gentlemen, remember when we were young and our parents warned us about the evil influences of Satan and his Satanic cults with their rock music and their Dungeons and Dragons and their Three's Company reruns> It seems Satan has other ways of reaching your immortal soul. What, you may ask, is he using now> I'll give you a hint. Your mom literally forced Satan's influence down your throat as a kid.

I'm talking about vegetables. 

Growing up we had visions of Satanic cults sacrificing goats and wearing cool hoods. Not the case. If we look to the Bible, where at least thirty-seven percent of what we know about Satan comes from (thanks Hollywood, Salman Rushdie, and sensationalist depictions in Morality Plays), we learn that those who follow Satan can be identified by the foods they associate themselves with. If you remember, the first sin, the one the great serpent convinced Eve to commit, was eating fruit. Why did Cain kill Abel> He was jealous. Because God accepted Abel's animal sacrifice and frowned on Cain's offering. Of veggies. That's right. Cain, the first murderer, raised crops, not livestock. Need more proof> Go down the vegetarian food section of your supermarket. Don't have one> Don't feel bad. Neither do. But look near the burgers. You'll find vegan alternatives. "Where's the evil in that>" you ask. Let me shine some light into those eyes. The brand name of this evil, but tasty concoction of beany goodness just so happens to be (are you ready for it> Can I get a drum roll>) Morningstar, which just so happens to be the meaning of Satan's name Lucifer. Looks like Satan is planning a beef-free barbeque, with hot coals for burgers and souls.
I always knew preachy vegans were annoying. I never knew they were in league with the dark lord of the abyss. But they'll get their comeuppance in the end. After all, eternal flames are better for making perfectly grilled medium rare steaks than growing a refreshing salad.

You have been informed.


Gwenny said...

LOL this is one of your best so far. I love it. Morningstar Farms. ::stifles loud laugh::

Anonymous said...

Wheat gluten-based fake meat is called seitan, pronounced "Satan."