Safety Sheds in England

Ladies and Gentlemen, recently a boatload of Russian wood began washing up on beaches in Kent, England, much to the delight of those living in the surrounding area. After all, who can resist the lure of free lumber? Nothing strange. I know I would enjoy being suddenly blessed by timber from heaven. Or the sea, as the case may be. What is strange is the sheer number of sheds collectors of this wood say they are going to build. What doe the people of Kent need with so many sheds? The answer lies in a recent decision by the BBC.

A number of British charities, including the Red Cross and Save the Children, have asked the BBC to air an appeal for emergency humanitarian aid in Gaza, but have been denied by the broadcasting company on the grounds of maintaining their impartiality. By charter, the BBC is not supposed to take any action that would imply a bias, and thus they are not allowed to broadcast the plea for aid, says a BBC spokesman. That may be well and good, but why is the BBC really turning down the charitable request? After all, by airing all of those wonderful Save the Children specials in the past (particularly the one with Doctor Who and the Curse of the Fatal Death), they've showed a bias toward sick and impoverished children. Where is their precious impartiality now? We are forced to therefore conclude that there is some other reason why the BBC has chosen to sit this one out. The truth is, it's a matter of survival.

Let's take a closer look at Gaza, shall we? Hamas went into Gaza. They were attacked by Israel. Israel went into Gaza. They got bombed by Hamas. The U.N. built an embassy in Gaza. They were bombed by Israel. Humanitarian workers went into Gaza. They were attacked by everyone. The fact of the matter is, everyone who goes into Gaza is attacked. It is not unreasonable to assume, then, that if the BBC airs the request for charitable aid in Gaza, Hamas and/or Israel will try to shell their production headquarters, which in turn, will require the BBC to retaliate by launching rockets and reruns of Bonekickers. Then the Geneva Convention gets dragged in for crimes against humanity and it all ends poorly for everyone.

What does this have to do with sheds in Kent? These British charities plan to appeal the BBC's decision on Monday to gain permission to air the humanitarian aid special. If the BBC reverses their decision, the U.K. will find itself at risk of mortar bombardment from the Middle East, and from, I mean those in Gaza will probably have to board boats and park off shore of England to express their anger, because seriously, mortar fire won't reach England from Gaza. It'll fall short in Greece, and then one more country gets dragged into it. But back to the original point. The people of Kent are building these sheds to house their own mortar launchers for retaliatory strikes against Gazan aggression, presuming, of course, that militants go all the way around England to the more impractical side for the attack. Plus, if things escalate as things tend to do, they can use these sheds as makeshift wooden hangars for makeshift wooden fighters, because really, who expects a counterstrike from Kent?

As such, I say to you, Mr. BBC news reporter on the video from the beginning of this post, don't look down on your countrymen for not filling out the paperwork. They're looting the sea of its wooden goodness for your safety.

You have been informed.