Thursday, January 22, 2009

Street Battles

Ladies and Gentlemen, on the streets, people have to battle for respect. Seriously. I saw it in a movie, so it must be true. Everyone knows, however, that when you want to show people who's the boss, who has the right to rule the streets, you don't use knives, guns, or insults. You don't punch or race. No, nothing demands you be taken seriously like impromptu choreography. That's right, I'm talking about the time honored tradition of the dance-off. The dance-off is one of the oldest forms of competition in the world. And why wouldn't it be> Before mankind discovered tool use, we had no weapons with which to fight each other. But we had arms and legs and voices. And so we danced for superiority. So many dance styles have violent names even. Poppin'. Breakin'. Slam dancing. The Box step, as in boxing. Tango> Sounds a lot like "tangle," which is slang for fighting. Waltz sounds like "Salts," which hurt when poured into wounds. The Charleston> As in, the city where a buddy of mine got beat up once> Dancing is far more violent than war. Why do you think right before fighting, combatants say, "Let's dance>" Because they're trying to psych their opponent out. Like, "I know you thought we were going to fight, but what are you going to do if we dance instead," and the other guy is like, "Oh man, I'm ready to get stabbed and everything, but there's no way I'm physically or psychologically ready for jazz hands." Most intimidating about dance battles is probably that they come without warning. You expect a man with a gun to shoot. What forewarning do you have that a guy is about to break out a funky beat on you> You have no way to know an electric slide is coming. A dance can strike anywhere, anytime. Are you ready for a dance-off right now> Seriously. Right. Now. Look out your door. There could have been a crew there. Would you have been ready> If the guy had a weapon, you simply wouldn't open the door, but there's no stopping a dance-off.

Be prepared. A dancer can strike like a ninja. Without warning. Maybe even without music.

You have been informed.

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