Tuesday, December 30, 2008

10 Unknown Facts About Oprah Winfrey

Ladies and Gentlemen, for a year or so, my fiancee lived in Chicago and I would visit her regularly. While there, I observed Oprah in her natural habitat to learn more information about my secret arch-nemesis (next to Oliver Cromwell, but he's only a recent edition to the nemesis list, and Oprah is first on the list anyway. But I digress.) In the past, I posted about Oprah's motives, her plans, her plots, her schemes. Today, I'll be sharing ten unknown facts about her morphology and physiology, so that should you ever find yourself in one-on-one combat or held captive by the Queen of Talk, you'll better know what you can and cannot do to escape.

10 Unknown Facts About Oprah Winfrey:
  1. Oprah Winfrey is a grazer, or cud chewer. Like the cow, she has four stomachs that allow her cud to ruminate.
  2. Oprah Winfrey is a highly vocal creature. Long ago (yes, she is centuries old), scientists and sailors nicknamed her the "Sea Canary" due to the birdlike sounds they observed her making far out at sea.
  3. Oprah Winfrey usually travels alone, marking her territory with urine, droppings, and scratch marks to warn off trespassers and other predators.
  4. Oprah Winfrey has a large muscle running along her stomach which pulls her body into a tight, spikey ball for defense.
  5. Oprah Winfrey is known to roost in bare trees, lofts, and caves.
  6. Oprah Winfrey has a very unusual symbiotic relationship with algae. She has specialized hair that encourages algae growth, which aids in camouflaging the celebrity. It is also believed that Oprah will eat some of the algae and, interestingly, will absorb some of the nutrients from the algae through her skin.
  7. Oprah Winfrey is perfectly designed for tree-dwelling life. Her hands have a large gap between the first and second finger and her big toe is set at a wide angle to the foot. This gives Oprah a vicelike grip on branches.
  8. When chased, Oprah Winfrey can run up to 48 kmph (29 mph)! I learned this fact the hard way.
  9. Oprah Winfrey has poor vision, but excellent senses of smell and hearing.
  10. Oprah Winfrey is able to climb on steep rock surfaces because of physical adaptations on her feet. She is capable of retracting up the center portion of her feet into a concave dome, which creates a vacuum-like suction to solid surfaces and aides in her climbing ability.
What all of this tells us is that Oprah is highly mobile, being able to run quickly, swim long distances, and climb almost anything. The climbing, I suspect, is used to literally get the drop on her opponents. Coupled with her spikey ball ability, I suspect she likes to climb up trees and then drop down in ball form and stab her pray. Her four stomachs mean that when she's full she can go for extended periods of time without eating, so laying siege to her lair may not be an effective offense, and waiting for her to eat to escape from her clutches may not be a solid plan either. She eats primarily plants, which means her predatory acts, such as the ball drop, simply feed her need to hunt, and not her belly. This means if you do find yourself as her prey, your best bet is to distract her so that she'll lose interest. Also, if you must take her on, do so during the day. She isn't any weaker during the day, but you are at a disadvantage at night.

You have been informed.

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