Monday, December 15, 2008

More Information on Vampires

Ladies and Gentlemen, after spending the evening among the vampires, I've learned a few things that I would pass on to you so that you may perchance survive should you ever encounter a vampire.
  • When vampires get sick, they melt. Into smelly puddles. When they die, they turn to ash. So if you see a sick vampire, kill it. It'll be easier to clean up the body.
  • If you are ever incarcerated and a vampire tries to interrogate you, do not assault it with a cross. Sure, you may hurt it a little, but it will get the guards to beat you unconscious afterward.
  • If a group of vampires decide unanimously something is Absolutely Not A Good Idea, chances are at least one of them will do it anyway for no reason other than spite.
  • A vampire driving a car is asking to get shot. Maybe not deliberately, but statistically speaking, a vampire is more likely to be attacked in a car than out of.
  • Speaking of vampire cars, vampires rig their cars to ensure that any mortals climbing in or out will injure their knees. I confess it was very difficult pretending all night that my leg felt fine.
May this knowledge help keep you safe.

You have been informed.

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