Ninja vs Turkey

Ladies and Gentlemen, in the past, I've discussed the relationship between Don King and the various ninja of the world. Oh relax, it's not that kind of relationship. He periodically ambushes ninja to keep them on their toes. But how does Don King stay sharp? That's what I wondered. Today I've found the answer. Once a year, he retreats to a secluded glade in the middle of a forest in Pennsylvania. Then, using a secret ritual, he summons one hundred thousand turkeys to attack him at once. Sure, turkeys may not seem scary, but when 1/6th population of the state of Alaska in thirty pound birds tries to peck you, you find a new terror you never knew existed. For forty years, Don King has participated in this ancient ritual. One by one (and sometimes five or ten at a time), he defeats the turkeys, which then commit a form of seppuku in shame. Don King, in his generosity, then gives these turkeys to needy families around the nation.

This year, he's giving them to families in my state, and personally in my city. I've volunteered to help, because anyone powerful enough to take on so many turkeys at once who doesn't use said power to try to take over the world, well, that's the kind of guy you personally help to distribute turkeys to the poor. Only in America...

You have been informed.