In which we all fail at something

Ladies and Gentlemen, some days you just can't win. I've yet to earn an Eagle Talon High Five despite many attempts. Perhaps it's like dating. If you go looking for a girl, you'll never find one, but whenever you give up the hard search and just let the drunk ones stumble into your life, you're bound to find one eventually. So perhaps I should wait until I see a drunken eagle, do something moderately impressive, and then hope that's enough to sway his or her impaired judgment.

I likewise failed to make the MSNBC 11 Lamest Blogs on the Internet. Sure they're lame, but at lest they're recognized for some kind of achievement. Maybe next year.

In other news of failure, those wacky pirates we've been seeing all the time these past few months have failed yet again. No, it wasn't a botched hostage situation or stealing something they can't sell. No, this time, they failed to outrun a cruise ship. A CRUISE SHIP! A ship whose purpose is to go slow, to get places at a relaxing leisurely pace. Really, pirates? Are you guys even trying anymore? And what were you going to do? Sneak into the magic show for free? Take all the caviar in the buffet so no one else can have any? You, sirs, fail. I don't think I can ever dress up as a pirate for Halloween again. I have to say, given the current state of piracy these days, ninjas win hands down EVERY time.

Also, my friend's roommate failed at robbing my friend and other roommates. He reported the house being stolen before actually getting everything out, leaving an awkward moment in which my friend rushes home from out of town upon hearing news he's been robbed only to find most of the stuff reported missing still there. Further, the guy left evidence everywhere, gave a really flimsy story to the police, and left notes from his friends lying around asking when he was going to sell said stolen goods, which they were holding for him. You sir, suck worse at your job than the average modern pirate. And thank goodness, for my buddy's sake.

What we've learned today is if you must fail, you may as well do it today and get it over with. Today feels like a good day for failure.

You have been informed.