Monday, November 24, 2008

"Are you suggesting pianos migrate?"

Ladies and Gentlemen, I was surprised to discover this story about a piano found in the middle of the woods. Now, this may seem strange to you, but the more I think of it, the situation is perfectly logical.

My first thought was that the piano was migrating for the winter. It seems logical. Many things migrate for winter. Birds, butterflies, elderly New Yorkers. Why not pianos? En route, it stops in the woods, as birds so often do. This of course raises the question, "Where is it coming from?" Police were unable to answer this question. Perhaps it didn't feel like answering any questions without a lawyer present. I don't blame it. That wooded area was probably private property. To find the answer, we must look at the anatomy and physiology of a piano. Unlike grandmothers, pianos thrive in colder weather. Heat and humidity loosen the strings, making it harder to keep the instrument in tune, and with insurance rates what they are, it is not unreasonable to assume the piano was in transit to colder climes to cut down on visits to the piano man. His time isn't cheap, you know.

The only problem is, well, it doesn't make any sense really. A piano migrating north for winter? Absurd! That would place it in the hot humid south during the hottest and humidest time of the year. And if it already lived in the north, why move at all for winter? And so I abandoned my original thesis and began working on a new one, one upon which I am sure I have struck right (good luck diagramming that clause).

It's the holidays here in the U.S. of A. That's right. Thanksgiving is only a couple of days away. It's a time of family, food, and football if you like that sort of thing. If not, more food and family. And probably fighting. Families fight around the holidays too. What does this have to do with a roaming piano? Everything. The piano wasn't migrating. It was visiting relatives for the holidays. After all, what is a piano made of if not wood? (other than metal). The piano returned to the woods from which it was born, to the glen and glade of its youth to visit its family. You see, this particular piano grew up in that very forest, but during an angsty adolescence ran away for a career in music. However, having never made it to the big show, he grew disaffected with his life. He spent his days entertaining in the suburbs. The suburbs! At least he got to spend time around children. He does so love children, even if they don't always respect him or play gently. He also met his fiancee there, a sweet little bench, who came home with him for the holidays, presumably to meet the family.

It's really not such a big mystery after all once you think about it.

You have been informed.

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