Ladies and Gentlemen, I have researcher's block. I have no idea what to investigate, what to share today. No matter how hard I try, nothing seems to demand to be researched. I look at the headlines and nothing screams, "There's something more going on here than what they're saying." Why would I, of all people, be unable to seek out hidden truths today?
I find it highly unlikely that there is nothing important happening. Something must be happening, but for me not to sense it, it must be something so huge that someone would use a mind scrambler of some sort on me to keep me from discovering it before I can leak word and stop it.
But who could possess such a mind scrambler? Mad scientists? The government? The Screen Actors Guild? I do find it suspicious that I wasn't suspicious when I read about their impending strike. It must be them.
So, SAG is up to some big secret plans beyond the strike and they're scrambling my brains to keep me from investigating. Those sneaky jerks. But what could they be up to? Oscar season is upon us. Perhaps they have the Super-Movie, no doubt staring a recently deceased celebrity (or one they plan to make deceased very soon) about a mentally handicapped Jewish gay man during the Holocaust fighting for the right to die, but with dignity and on his own terms. Such a movie would be bound to win best picture and gross millions upon millions in DVD sales. And they're hiding this movie. No, they've stolen the movie and they're holding it hostage unless the studios give into their demands! They probably have the star kidnapped too, with the promise to kill the actor once their demands have been reached and the film returned.
But what are their demands? Money? No. They always ask for more money. That wouldn't justify all of that effort. Jet packs? Eagle-Talon High Fives? Jet packs they could probably buy, and you can't force an eagle to give you a high five. One way or another, after a plan like this, the actors will need to lay low for a while.
That's it! They are demanding that for every role they play, the studios provide a legal identity for that character including birth certificates, drivers licenses, social security cards. This makes perfect sense. Actors are constantly getting DUIs. It will let them drive drunk without the tabloids getting them, because it isn't Mel Gibson throwing racial slurs at a cop. It's William Wallace, or at least that's what the license says. Further, with multiple social security cards, they'll collect multiple social security checks when they're older, thus cheating the American tax payers out of their money. Such a sinister retirement plan. This money will no doubt be spent to... no...
This is what they're up to.
The screen actor's guild is holding hostage a movie about a gay, mentally challenged Jewish piano savant with tuberculosis fighting for the right to die on his own terms in a Nazi concentraiton camp. They are also holding the staring actor hostage with a promise to kill the actor when talks are resolved, thus ensuring the greatest Oscar win ever, making the studios tons of money. In exchange, the actors get official identities for every character they've ever played. As such, any character they've played old, or any character from a time set before now will be able to collect social security checks, which they will use to go on an alcohol and drug induced killing spree across the country as they flee from Hollywood to Canada (I don't know why they aren't fleeing to Mexico). With their new drivers licenses, however, all of the DUIs won't slow them down, since they can surrender a different license every time they're pulled over.
Look out, Canada! There are about twelve thousand coked up alcoholic actors coming your way!
No wonder they scrambled my brains. If only they hadn't, I could research that...
You have been informed.