Ladies and Gentlemen, daily I'm bombarded by people complaining about how this election turned out, and I always say, "Things could be worse." It occurred to me that for some of these people in their mostly cozy lives, this could very well be the worst thing that's ever happened to them. I thought about those who suffer and those who do not. It is no small tragedy that in these trying times of rampant poverty and crime abundant, of economic failings and civil unrest, that one portion of our society falls between the cracks, obscured and neglected. Those who suffer abuse and loss can turn their pain into book deals, find solace on the Oprah Winfrey show, and find opportunity to succeed. But what of those unexceptional masses suffering through their lives of ease, living unimpressively with nothing to bemoan or overcome? Not long alog, one such victim of non-victimization had to resort to lies in order to feel the same sense of los the rest of us are blessed to have, all to win expensive Hannah Montana tickets so hard to obtain by those in the tragically untroubled upper middle class. How can her daugheter ever win an essay contest to gain scholarships or enter college with no trials to overcome or losses to recover from?
I propose that these unlucky fortunate few be assigned a tragic relative to incorporate into their lives. Each child suffering through privelidge can be given a fictional brother killed in combat, mother battling cancer, and father in a coma after saving orphans from a fire. The imaginary abusive uncle will give the child just what she needs to milk sympathy from contest judges and office co-workers with dying pets and drug-addled siblings. No one need ever be uninvited to our great nation's favorite passtime: pity parties. James Frey, author of A Million Little Pieces, will once more be able to hold his head high with a false sense of triumph over tragedy. New government agencies, such as the Office of Adversity, can be created to regulate these fictitious injuries to ensure no one has more misery than they are legally entitled to, giving false misfortunes to those unable to suffer and taxing those with more than their fair share of troubles. True our government already funs in a deficit, but what is the only thing more American than playing the victim and shifting blame? Debt. Through my proposal, America will be able to increase its debt while providing more illigitimate reasons to embellish one's achievements, shift blame for one's failures, and deny responsibility for one's own actions. Debt and self-pity. Finally a marriage both parties can support.
You have been informed.