Answers to Questions that Plague Me

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have nothing fancy for you today. What I do have are answers to three to questions that have always bothered me. Today, with the help of CNN, I've discovered the truth, and I'm here to share.

1) What did the turkeys with the presidential pardon do to warrant execution?

It's no secret that every year since Truman has pardoned the presidential thanksgiving turkey, thus sparing them from execution and becoming dinner. But what did the turkey do to be given the death penalty in the first place? We know that it must have been bad. The death penalty is pretty much only given for murder and treason. Even so, most states have a moratorium on capital punishment. Therefore, it must be a federal offense, and not state, meaning the bird committed treason. Perhaps there was talk of him defecting from the U.S. and being the dinner of the president of Iran instead. Further, I think it's obvious he showed no remorse. The farmers saw him "strutting, fanning, and preening." So what's to become of him now? I suspect he'll be forced to spend the rest of his days at the butcher's shop, watching what becomes of traitors like him.

2) I wouldn't date Barbara Streisand if we were the last two people on Earth. What could I do to avoid it?

This is one that kept me up at night. The fear of a weird plague that killed everyone but me and someone else, and that someone else being Barbara Streisand terrifies me to no end. What could I possibly do in that scenario to save myself from her? As it turns out, the polar bears at a Japanese zoo have the answer. I could simply will myself to become female. Come on, the Japanese are really intelligent people. They make all of the cool robots and video games. And if ever there was a culture with no problems researching sex, it is the Japanese. Surely their zoo keepers would have noticed some time in those three years that both polar bears were female. They must have checked when they bought the new bear, and they wouldn't mistake girl parts for man bits. The only logical explanation is that their male bear wanted nothing to do with the Streisand of the Ursa persuasion, and spontaneously changed gender like the dinosaurs in Jurasic Park. It's a comfort to know that if I'm ever in that situation, I can just become a woman and tell her that we'd never be able to repopulate the world so there's no use trying.

3) Why do these aliens keep coming to Earth and abducting people?

There are so many theories about alien abductions. Scientific experimentation, sexual experimentation, enlightenment, and even the unlikely "it's all bunk" theory. But today, after watching an interview with an abductee, I believe I've found the answer. Abductions aren't about science or cosmic truth. The aliens are drumming up tourism for their medical themed amusement park called "Wackyville." Except I hear the rides are lame. "What? Lie down on this table and don't move while you implant tracking beacons in me? Sweet! How tall do I have to be to ride?" Personally, I recommend EuroDisney instead. Why stay in a real castle when you can visit one made of plastic instead?

If you have any questions that need answering, feel free to let me know and I'll see what I can uncover for you.

You have been informed.