Saturday, November 15, 2008

Cromwell Strikes Again!

Ladies and Gentlemen, Oliver Cromwell struck again. I woke this morning to find my clothes hamper tipped over, dirty laundry spilled everywhere. We all know the ghost of Oliver Cromwell resents me and my rising lower class affluence (at least in comparison to the standard of living three hundred fifty years ago). Clearly he is filled with some kind of unholy undead rage over my having so many clothes that it fills my hamper beyond capacity. Or perhaps it's not the clothes he dislikes, but that I haven't washed clothes in long enough time that my hamper runneth over. Regardless, surely there must be some way to keep this specter of Puritans past from knocking over everything I own.

Possible solutions:
  • An exorcism. Cromwell was a Protestant and a Puritan and in those days, those two meant anti-Catholic, so in theory a Catholic ritual may be just the thing I need to chase him away. On the other hand, it may make him stronger and angrier if I mess it up, especially since I'm not Catholic.
  • Ghost Malaria. Sure malaria and kidney stones killed him the first time, but I don't think they have diseases like this for ghosts. They don't need their kidneys anymore, so the stones thing won't work, and ghosts are kinda bloodless, so it's unlikely that a bloodborn pathogen would do the trick. Even if it is the ghost of dead bacteria.
  • Take a vow of poverty. Nope. Not gonna happen. I was born to a vow of poverty. I'm not gonna toss what I've painstakingly accumulated. I'm a pack rat.
  • Find a way to make the house haunted by the ghost of King Charles II. Sure he took the throne back from Cromwell's son Richard and not Cromwell himself, and yes, he may have enacted anti-Puritan laws upon his return, but really, that was under pressure from his constituency. He was a tolerant person. He did, after all, allow women on stage in English theatres. He probably wouldn't try to destroy my books or computer, especially if I'm acting as his modern day General Monck and invite him to take over where a Cromwell holds court. Now if only I knew how to summon the ghosts of long dead royalty. Any suggestions?
You have been informed.

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