Ladies and Gentlemen, as mentioned yesterday, all is not sunshine and daisies for President-Elect Barack Obama. He has his work cut out for him in his four-year term. He's inheriting a major financial crisis, two wars, immigration, health care, education, national security and foreign policy, social security, climate change, and uniting America. That's a tall order for just one man (and the house, and the senate and 55% of Americans). s a sign of my support for our new president, today I'm continuing my offer my suggestions to help Obama work through this massively backlogged presidential inbox of responsibilities.
4) Health Care:
Everyone is freaking out because Obama has "Marxist tendencies" and he wants to "socialize health care." As someone born during the Cold War, I'm shocked that anyone would even consider socialism. It's the step brother of Communism, right? And once you go Communist, it's only a matter of time before all of society falls apart, the kids start worshipping Satan and doing the drugs. We all know that's what communism leads to. So rather than simply taking a stand against socialized health care, I think Obama needs to roll back all of the socialism that anti-American liberals like Benjamin Franklin and FDR put into place. That's right. No more socialized police, fire, education, or military either.
Won't life be better when your friendly police officer releases the man who just tried to kill you because you can't pay your bill? Or when the fire department refuses to put out the fire that's consuming your house because you can't cut them a check first? (look, it's not their fault you left it inside while trying to help your family flee the inferno). It'll be just like that scene in Gangs of New York. And Americans can take more personal responsibility for their safety by taking up arms against invaders when Russia comes marching through your neighborhood because you didn't pay your defense bill on time. Or when your child brings home a progress report and an invoice every four weeks? Then only the wealthy can afford schools, just like that wildly successful time in human history known as the Dark Ages.
For the moral health of this nation, we need to get rid of socialized education, military, and civil service as well as health care. And while we're at it, let's desocialize religion. It'd be like that poem about the foot prints, when the guy asks Jesus why there was only one set of footprints when things were hardest for him, and Jesus said, "Because, my son, that was when you didn't slip a fifty in the collection plate."
The fact of the matter is, people shouldn't have equal access to health care, just like they don't deserve equal educations, police, fire, or military protection, or even equal access to God. Historically, all of the above were reserved only for the wealthy elite. It wasn't until the past couple centuries that we got uppity and decided to spit in the face of oppressive history and focus on absurd notions like "equality" and "basic human rights." And hasn't the big push recently been toward traditional values? Why break thousand year old traditions now?
See the previous entry. Desocialize it. Think of all of the money we could save, that, when not going toward programs that improve the quality of life in America, can instead go into politician's pockets. Meanwhile, we'll lower that pesky literacy rate that's way too high in this country and Oliver Cromwell can stop knocking over my bookshelves. And while we're at it, let's get rid of the socialist free-lunch program for school kids as well. Maybe then they'll finally decide not to be poor.
6) National Security and Foreign Policy
What should we do about national security? Two words: Super. Heroes. Two more words: Jack. Bauer. Two more, plus nine in a parenthetical expression: The. Doctor. (If. We. Can. Get. Him. On. Loan. From. England.) Between those three elements, there's nothing that could possibly threaten our national security and get away with it.
As for foreign policy, once more, why argue with history? Everyone loves a bully, right? Or at least they don't stand up to them and generally acquiesce to demands. That's worked for us pretty well for the last eight years, right? The world won't mind. Forget about this mamby pamby co-operation, make peace, make the world a better place for all and show some kind of responsibility on a global scale touchy-feely nonsense. In other words, make sure you pay that military bill; we're going on tour.
You have been informed.