Wii're Coming For You, Mr. Truth

Ladies and Gentlemen, yesterday I bought a Wii. And it's fun, sure. Somewhat, but that's because I bought it used and the only game it had is Wii Play, which you really only get for the free controller. And the cow race. That's kinda fun. I digress.

I was really looking forward to the internet features. The news. The weather. Everybody Votes. But I can't get it to connect. I've gotten error 51030, 51330, and 51332 so far. I've adjusted the router channel, the firewall, the WEP key. All no dice. Grrr... There's only one logical conclusion.

The my Wii is trying to undermine the United States of America by denying me internet access. It woudn't be the first time Japan has tried to take us out.

• FACT: Without the Wii Weather Channel, I will not know how to dress when leaving the house. That's an important deal when you live in Mississippi, as January 12 is just as likely to be twenty-eight degrees (Fahrenheit) as eighty-two. It could be gorgeous all day and then throw a monsoon at you in the mid afternoon. The Wii is trying to give me heat stroke, pneumonia, exposure, and other weather related badness. Plus it's trying to get my clothes wet to make me uncomfortable all day.
• FACT: Without Wii News, I'll have difficulty seeing what's going on in the world today to know what needs researching. If I can't research, I can't share the truth, and thus help thwart SAG and the zombies and then I'll never earn that ETHF.
• FACT: Without Everybody Votes, we won't be daily reminded of our dedication to democracy in this country. Without the daily reinforcement of the importance of voting by being asked what our favorite color is, we will be unable to remember how important it is to vote when congressional and presidential elections come up. Voter numbers will return to their pre-2008 election levels of 30%. 
• FACT: Most importantly, without the internet on my Wii, I will be unable to watch streaming videos of the episodes of How I Met Your Mother on the big TV as opposed to on the tiny computer screen with the lame sound system, and keeping people away from the TV, that is the most unAmerican thing of all.

Alright, Wii. Today, I break the proverbial smack down on your internet denying hiney. You will yield up your internet to me or face the consequences of me just using you as a game machine and sticking to the desktop computer I've been using with very little change to my actual life. You have been warned, Wii. 

And the rest of you...

You have been informed.