Ladies and Gentlemen, we come to my final piece of advice for the Obama administration in dealing with the myriad of problems facing them. Without further delay, let us discuss what's to be done about this country of ours, shall we?
7) Social Security
Social security is becoming increasingly costly, but I have a plan to reduce it fourfold. I can't speak for everywhere, but where I live, the elderly tend to congregate in the casinos, wheeling their oxygen tanks up to the slot machines. Now, these elderly individuals are invariably members of the players clubs of every casino on the coast. These casinos give points for playing, which are redeemed for free meals and rooms and the occasional chintzy gift. Further, to lure these septuagenarian players from one casino to another, they offer coupons and incentives which multiply these points. Therefore, if we give them one quarter of the usual money we give them, but in the form of a gift certificate with attached players club cards and coupons, they'll be able to take that money, throw it into the slots, get four or more times the points out than they put in, then have them present their "We'll double any competitor's coupons" to bump their points up even more. At this pace, your grandparents can be living the high life with a free buffet dinner a week, and every couple of months or so, a room and tickets to see Howie Mandell do stand-up (remember when he used to be a comedian?). Best of all, unlike the Bush Stock Investment Social Security Plan, this one actually admits to being a gamble, making it a more honest way to look after dear old grandma.
8) Climate Change
No, I won't suggest we revisit the Bush Giant Air Conditioner Plan. That would never work these days. For starters, you can no longer set the thermostat to "economy" because that button broke in recent months. Second, do you realize how big a plug outlet we'd have to build? It'd be way too easy for babies to stick forks in it. No no no no no.
My plan is much simpler, straight forward, and long lasting. For those of you who have seen the movie Sunshine, you may already know what I'm getting at. In that wonderful science fiction movie from earlier this year, the sun is going out and a nuclear bomb the size of Manhattan is launched into the center of the sun to reignite the star's core, thus heating it back up. I propose we do the opposite. We make a fire-extinguisher bomb the size of Manhattan and launch it to cool down the center of the sun a little. The sun doesn't burn as hot anymore. We can push global temperatures back to what they were a hundred years ago, or possibly even 10,000 years ago. No more global warming.
9) Uniting America
Wil Wheaton says, "Don't be a dick." This is sound advice, but as a governing individual, it will no doubt need to be made more complex a solution. So here's what we do. First, we break The Ungame out and use it to talk about our feelings. Then, we build the biggest campfire the world has ever seen and roast weenies and s'mores while everyone in the country takes turns saying something nice about the person sitting to their left and right. Then we all sing Kumbaya and start doing trust falls and role-reversal exercises. Finally, we put out the campfire, lay down in our sleeping bags, staring up at the stars and sharing mildly embarassing stories about what we were like as kids while asking semi-philosophical popculture questions before promising each other that we'll be friends for ever, exchange phone numbers and friendship bracelets, talk about how much we can't wait to come back to summer camp next year and then go to sleep.
Then in the morning, we'll wake up and forget everything we learned about ourselves and each other over the past twenty-four hours and start arguing, which will lead to a no-holds-barred, last party standing battle royale to the death. The survivors reflect on what a frail thing is man and what his role is in the world, both current and potential. We'll quote Plato, Descarte, and Shakespeare. Someone will ironically quote The Clash. We'll giggle because on the surface we want to pretend its funny, but deep down inside, we'll know they were probably right. Then we'll help each other limp to the hospital, questioning whether man is worth saving at all, as the sun sets fiery golden red in the distance. Problem solved.
Take heed, Obama. Follow my advice and it's smooth sailing for the next four years. You're welcome.
Y0u have been informed.