The Power of the Future

Ladies and Gentlemen, people ask me where I stand on the future of energy. I have to throw my vote in for nuclear. Oh, sure things like hydro-electric, solar, and wind power all seem like the better choice. They're clean. They're renewable. They're good for the planet. But how beneficial are they for society?

• Fact: Shipping and disposing of toxic waste requires people to do it. It creates jobs.
  
• Fact: Solar, Hydro-electric, and Wind power plants cannot melt down the way nuclear plants can. Your friendly neighborhood EPA has to start laying people off because business is slow.
• Fact: Meltdown irradiates communities, spreading cancer like a plague... of cancer. Hospitals are booming. More doctors are needed to treat people. More hospitals are needed to house people. More lawyers are needed to help the people get the compensation they deserve. A new power plant needs to be built. It creates jobs.
• Fact: For every person irradiated, there is a chance someone will develop superpowers and a superhero will be created. It creates jobs. It protects society.
• Fact: No one has ever gotten super powers from the failure of a solar panel or windmill.
  

I think the benefits are clearly on the side of nuclear. Without the failure of nuclear plants, bombs, and experimentation, we'd have no Incredible Hulk, that juggernaut of rampaging green fury. There would be no Toxic Avenger, driven by his tromatons to vanquish evil wherever it shows. We would have no Doctor Manhattan to stoically look out for the best interests of a world he finds himself increasingly detached from after being persuaded on the surface of Mars by his former lover. So many heroes obtained their powers via nuclear forces gone awry. Who are we to try to stop more forces from going awry that a small handful of individuals among the teeming masses of cancer patients should find their lives' purpose?

Plus, it lets us feel superior when we hear people say "nucular."

And just to give you heads up, do not let your dogs have coffee. They could become addicts, which could lead to breaking and entering and acts of vandalism to get their morning fix.

You have been informed.